Sleep Paralysis

The first two or three times I had sleep paralysis, I was in high school and was merely confused at why I was awake but unable to move. When it struck again, I felt- though did not see- something pushing heavily down on me. Eventually, I would come to hear voices- sometimes female, sometimes male- and finally dark shadows shaped like humans with even darker holes for eyes and a mouth. These shadows choked me, and eventually started screaming at me. They even laughed at me and called me "stupid bitch" once in a while. I learned how to "talk" back to them, though it was really just mentally because I obviously was physically incapable of moving my mouth or making any sounds. I was inspired by Kill Bill's "wiggle your big toe", and this actually works wonders. (Although it is a little hard to do when a threatening demon is shrieking into your ears.) I got so good at asserting myself to those shadow creatures that I could make them disappear under a minute or two.

Yesterday, I fell asleep while studying (surprise, surprise). After years of being free, the sleep paralysis came back. But this time, there were no evil shadows lurking in my room, no satanic growls, and no one forcing all the air out of me.

There was only music. Music I had never heard before in my life. A husky male voice, an electric guitar, acoustic rhythm guitars, sweeping violins, and a seductive bass drum. Every musical line was crystal clear. I can't remember all the words..but it had to do with inside versus outside, and someone not being there for long. As I did my usual "wiggle your big toe," the room vibrated to the sound of radio static, as if I had to change the station to wake up. I got out of bed and was so convinced my dad was just blasting his surround sound again and that the song had just wriggled its way into my sleep paralysis hallucinations, that I just went back to studying without bothering to find out.

At dinner I asked my dad what he was listening to today, because it was pretty cool. He was confused. He didn't listen to any music today. Whoa.

I've dreamt of new music before. But never was I able to hold on to it like I did yesterday. Dream music was always like the floating pieces of dust I'd try to catch midair as a kid. The little bastards that only flew away faster when I got even remotely close. And now, thanks to this sleep paralysis I've slowly learned to control- this state of being partly in reality and partly in my dreams- I've snatched that little bastard right out of the air.

Sleep paralysis used to keep me up all night when I was younger, afraid to fall into another episode directed and produced by my unfortunately dark mind. But I guess that when you become the master of the things you fear, your most beautiful dreams have the potential to become your reality.

Here are fragments from that strange song my subconscious conjured up.